Creating A Life That Honors My Needs (Not Their Expectations)

For a long time, I tried to shape myself around other people’s comfort.

I put effort into becoming more agreeable—easier to be around, quicker to say yes, and always willing to show up even when everything inside me hurt. I thought that if I could just be accommodating, reliable, and low-maintenance, I’d still be worthy of belonging with those who struggled to see my reality.

It felt safer to be the version of myself that kept the peace, especially when living with a chronic illness meant I was already “too much” by default. I learned how to minimize my pain to avoid uncomfortable conversations. I said yes when I was exhausted, brushed off symptoms so no one would feel guilty, and buried my needs beneath a version of myself that I thought looked easier to support.

But over time, I realized something that entirely changed my thought process: I was building a life that included everyone except me.

Eventually, I had to reach my breaking point (or was it really a starting point?). I had been doing everything “right”—meeting expectations, showing up for everyone but myself—and I was completely disconnected from my own body and it’s complexly growing needs. I didn’t know how to say no without explaining it away. I didn’t know how to take up space without guilt. I didn’t even know what I needed anymore.

So quietly and slowly, I decided to start over.

The shift didn’t happen all at once. It started with something simple and terrifying to me: one honest no. Not a maybe. Not an “I’ll try.” No, as a full sentence standing on its own.

That moment cracked something open for me. I started noticing how often I had made myself smaller just to fit into places that weren’t built for someone with my needs. I realized how much resentment I’d been carrying—not at others, but at myself—for abandoning my truth so often in exchange for false acceptance.

So, I started experimenting with the idea of living differently. What if I honored my needs before anyone else’s expectations? What if I stopped trying to be easy to carry, and chose to be real instead?

It hasn’t always been graceful. Creating a life that honors my needs has meant disappointing people, letting go of old roles, and setting boundaries even when I’m met with silence or guilt. However, it’s also meant waking up and feeling like I’m finally living inside my own skin. I’m able to find peace in saying, “this is what I need today,” and letting that be enough. I’m more capable now than ever of reclaiming time, space, and energy for things that truly support me—not just the things that make me appear functional.

Knowing my life isn’t always accepted or well understood doesn’t bother me anymore. This is the life that fits, and most importantly, it includes me.

If you’ve been living in the space between who you are and who others expect you to be, I hope you remember that you’re not too much. You’re allowed to say no without guilt. You’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to let people down in order to finally lift yourself up.

Start where you are—one honest no, one boundary, one truth you let be seen. You deserve a life that honors your reality, not one that only celebrates you when you’re easy to understand or easy to be around.

Your needs are not the problem. They’re the roadmap back home.